Every Movie Sucks: January 2011
by Reginald Bateson
You know how when you go to the movies and you think, maybe for just a moment or the whole time beforehand, this movie could suck? You know how when you’re watching a movie and you notice something unrealistic and you can’t let it go? You know how when you’re watching a movie and you notice those little continuity errors and they bug the living crap out of you? You know when you’re watching a movie and you keep asking “How much longer is this”?
Well I am the voice inside your head telling you, persuading you, shouting at you “THIS MOVIE SUCKS!”
Now, January is normally the time every studio releases the crap they couldn’t make room for the year before. This appropriately sets the tone for the entire year. Everything will suck. Why get your hopes up? Let’s just lower every single expectation now.
True Grit – I didn’t see this movie because I don’t like it when Hippies (Jeff Bridges) play Cowboys, I like it when Cowboys (John Wayne) play Cowboys.
The Fighter – People do drugs to make themselves feel good. People watch Underdog Sports Movies to make themselves feel good. Coincidence? I say let’s start an intervention. Starting with The Fighter.
Tron: Legacy – A movie about why computers never work properly and are always crashing. Too bad this movie does too.
Black Swan – Call me crazy or does this movie make no sense.
Blue Valentine – I don’t like arguing with people (because I am always right). So why would I want to watch two people who aren’t me (therefore wrong) argue with each other?
No Strings Attached – Funny, for no strings being attached these people sure do remind me of lifeless marionettes. Dance puppets dance!
The Green Hornet – In the movie the good guys pretend to be bad. In real life this bad movie is pretending to be good.
The Mechanic – Another movie about plenty of expendable henchmen with aim as bad as the story. This movie needs someone to fix its many plot holes.
Biutiful – This movie has three languages: Spanish, Japanese, and something African. Too bad none of them are English. PASS!
The King’s Speech – L-l-l-l-ame! The whole movie they try to fix some guy’s stutter but too bad in the end he still speaks with a British accent.
Well folks, those were all the crap-fests I could sit through for January. Bad news: February is looking even worse. Good news: There are only 28 days in February.
*Yeah some of these movies weren’t ‘released’ in January but that is when I saw them. Get over it.