Conan The Barbarian Review
By Bret Dorman
The original Conan the Barbarian‘s greatest achievement probably isn’t a cinematic one. It’s probably the fact the Arnold Schwarzenegger kept the sword and put it on display in his office while he was a Governor.
But enough about The Action God Himself, Conan is a movie people quote in jest and have fond memories of. Trouble is, the movie is really slow and kind of boring. So what should we do? Make another!
Conan The Barbarian starts with Conan’s Dad performing a battlefield c-section and raising Conan into the air screaming. YES!
Child Conan then goes and has a ridiculously violent fight with some people and kills them. Yes!
Conan then grows up and fights more people, some of which are made of sand. Yes.
Conan then fights the bad guy who killed his dad in an overly long finale that is pretty standard and blood-free/decapitation-free. Eh……
That’s how Conan operates as a whole. It starts out super ridiculous then becomes pretty average.
Jason Momoa has some pretty big shoes-er, sandals? to fill. In the original, Schwarzenegger was scantily clad because he had giant massive muscles and most his dialogue was dumb dialogue and most the time he played it like a caveman with a slightly larger vocabulary aka a barbarian. Momoa is rather clothed most the time (or has this cape like shawl thing on) because he is not a giant massive beast. And his dialogue is wittier and he plays it always with a smirk. This is the new Hollywood upgrade. Make Conan funnier and more conversational.
I like how the movie does not take itself seriously, but most of the fun comes only from people who have seen the first and know how ridiculously funny that movie is but NOT on purpose. This movie is good but only because the original exists.
In Conclusion, if this movie had stayed not only highly absurd throughout the entire movie like the first 20 minutes is, but also extremely violent, it would have been a blast. But the closer Conan gets to revenge, the more we lose interest. The audience doesn’t care about Conan The Character, we want to simply see… Conan The Barabarian.
Final Grade: B-