(Summer Edition) Every Movie Sucks

Every Movie Sucks – Summer Edition
By Reginald Bateson

If I had my way, all theaters would look like this... ah, a man can dream...

A lot of times people tell me the summer season is when movie making companies will spend a lot of money to try and make the very best movies they can make. The way I see it is they spend a lot of money to make sucky movies but no one wants to be the one who says they didn’t see the sucky movie so they all go see the movie. I don’t know what sucks more, movies or audiences. Hey everyone, I have a bright idea! Let’s stop seeing these sucky movies so they stop making them! Okay?!

Well, you first. I don’t want to miss out on making fun of a movie you like.

Summer Movies

Priest – For some reason priests in this movie are ashamed to be priests and go into hiding. You will too after seeing this suckfest.

Bridesmaids – A bunch of women fart and cry. I thought summer movies were supposed to be for escapism?

Water for Elephants – Don’t worry about the elephant so much, worry about your script and acting.

Everything Must Go – Including the audience… to a different (but probably equally as sucky) movie.

The Hangover Part II – You’ll have to drink a lot to sit through this and your actual hangover the next day will still be more fun.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides – More like, On Suckier Tides… eh? eh?

Midnight In Paris – Pardon my French but, ce film est de la merde.

X-Men: First Class – I didn’t know crapping out film reels was a mutant power.

The Tree of Life – A detailed look at the beginning of life to one families troubles in 1950’s Texas. ‘Nuff said.

Super 8 – Making crappy film now look like crappy films back in the day is still a crappy film.

Green Lantern – If your ring can make anything why not make a good movie?

Mr. Popper’s Penguins – This film is as crappy as the amount of times the penguins are seen crapping in the film. Which is most of it.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon – Hey movie, take a note from the real dark side of the moon and don’t show yourself. Ever.

Horrible Bosses – When they start putting ‘horrible’ right in the title they are making it too easy…

Cars 2 – A nice movie for kids that looks great and is somewhat cleverly written… could there be nothing too crappy about this movie? Oh wait… Larry the Cable Guy. Nevermind… (So close…)

Bad Teacher – Bad? Someone is giving themselves too much credit. How about worst?

Larry Crowne – This movie tries so hard not to offend anyone but they forgot to make a movie that doesn’t suck, which should offend everyone.

Captain America: The First Avenger – The First is the Worst…

Cowboys & Aliens – & Sucky plot

Crazy, Stupid, Love. – Third movie of the year that blatantly calls itself bad in the title. A Sign of the end times?

Rise of the Planet of the Apes – They can make a serum to make monkeys smarter but not movies better…?

Attack the Block – Had the possibility of not sucking but I couldn’t tell what anyone was saying and stopped paying attention.

30 Minutes or Less – Should have been the run time for this movie…

Well there you have it folks, more sucky movies that sucked. Here’s the problem. They say Summer Blockbusters are good because they are dumb? But that’s just an excuse to be lazy. Awards Season is coming up… but first… we have to sit through all the crappy movies that aren’t ‘good because they are dumb’ or award winners. Great… just great…

Bold words from a man who's IMDB credits include "Plan 9 From Outer Space"

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