(Vulnerably Speaking) Top 5 Naked Fights

Top 5 Naked Fights
By Bret Dorman

(As always, SPOILERS! may apply to the following movies)

I remember going to the 8th Grade Dance thing on Halloween (ish) night back when I was whatever age you are in 8th grade. I was excited, not for the dance, but because my Mom had gotten me Halloween on VHS to watch later that night. The rental store near us had no copies to rent but had used copies for sale and my Mom was nice enough to just buy the thing. Up until this point I hadn’t seen many R rated films and was looking forward to my first true Horror-Slasher-Holiday themed venture. My friend on the other hand chickened out and spent the duration of the movie playing pool by himself as I sat fixated in front of the TV.

A couple weeks later Halloween was brought up in conversation between my Mom and I and she said she couldn’t believe she got that movie for me. I asked what she meant. She replied she had mentioned it to a neighbor-friend who alluded back to the amount of nudity and sex in the movie. My mom was okay with us watching a silly slasher film, as young boys are want to do, but didn’t like the idea of me getting my sex education from a film involving a mask-wearing knife-wielding maniac. I told her there wasn’t that much nudity or sex.

Much to my surprise, on a re-watch of the movie, I learned there actually is quite a bit. But I honestly didn’t think there was that much. Why? Because instead of being shocked by people without their clothes on I was mesmerized by the filmmaking. I still, to this day, think Halloween is one of the best films ever made. The technique and talent raise the schlocky gimmick of its slasher roots to cinematic art.

Now that I am older however. The moment I see boobies or butt I giggle out loud. I’m much more immature when it comes to nudity now more than ever. So I decided to combine this childish passion with my love of action movies and bring to you what I think are the Top 5 Naked Fights. (Side Note: Usually I’d try to find the scenes I’m highlighting here to embed via YouTube, but since these scenes all have NUDITY! I guess YouTube really isn’t a big fan. You can try to search for some but chances are any crappy quality ones you find will be taken down soon…damn the man…)

5) Maniac Cop

“I’m going to need to perform a strip search…”

(SUPER SPOILER! WARNING) If you haven’t seen the Maniac Cop Trilogy I recommend skipping to the trailer below for the sequel, watching it, and if it’s something you’re interested don’t read this section. If you don’t care then by all means read on. Also, all three movies are completely free on YouTube, in their entirety, not divided into 10 parts or any of that bologna.

We all know bad things happen in prison. Especially the showers. But rarely do we assume that we will be close to breaking open a corruption case including some of the top people in the city and that those people will use their corrupt influence to send us to a rough ‘n’ tough prison where we will be assaulted in the shower and stabbed all over especially in the face multiple times then presumed dead but really alive and come back to exact revenge on those who murdered us by killing innocent people… thus becoming a Maniac Cop. That rarely happens.

But in the world of Maniac Cop this absurd back story is a launching pad to some of the craziest action sequences people can dream up. Within the Trilogy there is some fantastic squibb work, a car chase where a lady is handcuffed to a car and two wheels have blown out so the rims on the pavement at high speeds create lots of sparks, a police station massacre to rival The Terminator, and the third movie which takes the “let’s have the last action scene be the villain on fire” to its utmost extreme, featuring the Maniac Cop in a full length no holds barred car chase completely on fire the entire time. Fuck yeah.

Bare Essentials: This fight is a gang up where multiple clothed people take on one naked dude. And for a while he holds his own. Shot mostly in slow motion and low lighting, this fight scene more highlights how tough Cordell was even before he become the indestructible Maniac Cop. But the moment he slips up is the moment he not only gets one shiv to mortally wound him, but multiple stabs to permanently disfigure him. Except Cordell is one tough dude. He don’t go down that easy.

4) Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

Borat gets all the ladies.

Borat struck three notes with America. 1) Borat has a funny accent and he’s really silly, so he’s fun to quote. *High Five!* 2) Borat was a scathing satire on America that showed exactly how ignorant some people really are. 3) Sasha Baron Cohen is not afraid to do gross out humor alongside his sharp, quick witted set pieces and interviews.

That’s right. Even though Borat gets a man to admit one gun is better ‘for killing the Jews’ over another, the thing most people will remember is that gross naked wrestling match between Borat and his producer that spills out into the halls and meeting rooms of their hotel. This tactic of pairing smart humor with dumb humor will hopefully lure people in expecting just a silly movie then blindside them with the ugly… truth.

Bare Essentials: Borat is WAY out of his weight class in this fight. But he still puts up a fight. And even after his friend/producer runs away he immediately gives chase. This scene isn’t just about not having clothes on, its about shedding your protective exterior and opening yourself up to others. Its about being close to the ones you care about no matter what. Its about being yourself no matter what anyone else thinks. Its also about a hairy naked fat man laying on top a hairy naked skinny man telling him to ‘Eat his asshole.’

3) Ghost in the Shell

What makes us human? Our minds? Our bodies? Our body plugs for wires and upgrades?

Most Naked Fights are lopsided, with one person or group of people who are fully clothed attacking another person while they are sans shirt and pants. So clearly one person is at a disadvantage. But with Ghost in the Shell, the main character, Major Kusanagi is at her most lethal not when she’s in her bullet proof suit, but her ‘see through’ mesh suit. Being able to activate an optical camouflage that makes you invisible will do that.

This doesn’t happen just once in the movie, but several times. In fact, the nudity isn’t just limited to the fight scenes. Ghost in the Shell is all about stripping a person down. And its not just enough to strip off their clothes, you have to strip off their physical body. What makes us human? Aren’t human bodies just living machines? Can we merge two minds to make a greater collective and singular consciousness? All these are questions you find yourself asking in the middle of action scenes featuring high velocity bullets ripping through watermelons and spider tanks shooting up museums. In that regard, Ghost in the Shell is very much a spiritual predecessor to The Matrix… only with more Bionic Boobies.

Bare Essentials: Sure its animated, but there’s nothing childish or immature about the nudity here. Kusanagi doesn’t think twice about stripping down while being shot at. In fact, she’s probably at her most comfortable when she’s not going through the ordinary motions of what made her human before her cybernetic transformation. Her body is her clothing and she’s fine with that. As I mentioned earlier, it doesn’t hurt that she can go invisible. Armed with her technologically advanced body and (usually) superior firepower and resources, Kusanagi is one person you don’t want to mess with.

2) Shoot ‘Em Up

Shoot to kill. Aim to please.

So far, the only ‘sexual’ aspect of this Top 5 has been Borat’s producer angrily shouting lewd acts during their ‘impromptu’ wrestling match on a hotel bed. Not exactly ‘sexy’ in the ‘sexy’ sense. Or any sense. But luckily we have Shoot ‘Em Up, the live action cartoon that features impossible physicals, a ridiculous story, and a baby. Shoot ‘Em Up is all about giving us things we haven’t seen before while staying true to the John Woo-esque world of video game logic and infallible accuracy. This is taken to its most romantic extreme when Smith and Donna (Clive Owen and Monica Belluci) start goin’ at it after a long day of trying not to get killed. Of course, the day ain’t over yet and a heavily armed SWAT like crew bust in to interrupt the act.

Any normal person would probably prioritize in this situation. Okay, fight off baddies, THEN continue love making with smoking hot woman. But no. Clive Owen is a multi-tasker. He does it all. You’d think having a woman scream out of fear and delight right in your ear while holding on for dear life and pleasure would be distracting. But no. Clive Owen is a pro. Where normal men might falter, Clive Owen doesn’t even break a sweat. He’s able to finish off all the baddies and Belluci at the same time.

Bare Essentials: More movies need this Crank-esque go for broke attitude. The more you kind of want to do something but are afraid the more bland you become. The more you say ‘Fuck it’ and just do it, the more you’ll get a loyal fan base. Sure Owen is wearing boxers in this scene, but Belucci bares all and the fact that they are making love in the middle of a gun fight perfectly circumvents the ridiculousness of trying to shoe-horn in a love story in the middle of an all out action movie. Bravo Shoot ‘Em Up… Bravo.

1) Eastern Promises


History of Violence. Top 10 movie OF ALL TIME… according to everyone the day the movie came out. “On over 50 Top 10 Lists!” The DVD would exclaim! Okay. I like violence. I’ll check it out. … Wow… really? I did NOT like that movie. AT ALL. So when Eastern Promises came out and it’s biggest selling point was “it has that guy from History of Violence and also the same Director!” I was not immediately sold. But being an employee at Blockbuster at the time and having free rentals, I decided why not. Eastern Promises, while not one of my favorites or ‘go-to’ movies or even one I think about all too often, is still a heck of a lot better than History of Violence. Man I hate that movie.

One thing about Eastern Promises you have to admire is its Naked Fight. There really is no better out there. Tight, realistic, ‘sloppy’ choreography along with the small razor-knife threatening to cut into Nikolai’s bare flesh all make for one tense fight. And its not like the movie is an action movie, so for this one short outburst to really nail it, right near the end, makes it all the more satisfying on a story-telling level too.

Bare Essentials: This fight scene is ugly. No I’m not talking about Mortensen, I’m talking about the fighting techniques used by Nikolai and the two Russian Mafia thugs. The nakedness of Mortensen adds a level of immediate emergency. He’s exposed, caught off guard, and suddenly fighting for his life. The Russian Mob is all about toughness and through the whole movie we see Nikolai act tough, like a real badass. But here we see when it comes down to your life ending, you’ll do anything to stay alive. Fight rough, fight sloppy, fight dirty… it doesn’t matter. All that matters is staying alive, the legend will sort itself out afterwards…

Whether its to shock you, ratchet up the tension, or get a laugh, Naked Fights are little gems in the world of cinema. And no matter what the reason, or even how good the actual film is… every time I see a Naked Fight I giggle to myself just a little. Because I just saw someone’s butt. And butts are where poop comes from. And poop is funny.

Brock. On the hunt. No one is safe.

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